“His voice sounds a little bit on edge today. Am I in trouble?
“Will he notice my growing bump? I wore a baggy jumper today to conceal my…my…
“I walk into the room. Lavender air conditioner…and his desk is meticulously polished. Mmmm….
“I pour myself a tumbler of water. And wait. He is kinda subdued…
“Should I tell him about the fight with my mum? That she noticed my bump and started asking questions? That she insisted we go for a test..?
“How will that help me? Make me love whatever is growing inside me? Forget about my experience? Start looking for a name?
“Google has become my friend. I now know all the symptoms. I know about Caesarian procedure. See? Am getting smarter. I know about how to do exercise. Why one should take iron. And protein. And avoid hard drinks
“And I want to do all these things. Know all the rules, then break them. Piece by piece. Is it too late to flush? Its been what? 24 weeks? I’m scared. What if it backfires? And I become paralyzed? Or unable to give birth ever again?
“How do I explain to my mum? How do I tell her it was my first time? Or that it was not my fault? Or that…
“He is asking me about the baby…
“I keep quiet for some time. Had my mum called him? What had he told her? Surely there was patient/doctor privilege…
“I will kill him…
“He stops writing and stares at me. His face is blank. I can’t read what he is thinking. I’m such a terrible mind reader.
“I will…I want him dead…
“He writes briefly on his file. MURDERER, I guess
“Why? He is asking why? Is this guy for real?
“Why should I keep him? Why should I be reminded every day of my mistake? Why should I carry my shame for everyone to see? Why should I be judged as a hoe by everyone who sees me? Why…
“I sip my water. I can feel a torrent of tears swelling up. I can’t try…no…no…even as the tears start flowing.
“He passes me some wipes
“Why? Why not, I retort back
“He tells me I should learn about forgiveness. That I shouldn’t punish the child
“What nonsense is this? I angrily stand up. Stare at him. How can he be so calm? Does he know what is going through my body? How my mind is racing? I have watched 1000 ways to die and I already have selected my favorite 247.
“Walk away? How can you walk away from these memories? Forget like they never happened? My concept of love had been shredded into smithereens. My life had ended even before it had even begun to thrive
“I sip some water. Try to calm down. The purpose of these sessions is to make me know my way forward, right? I sit down.
“I have two choices, I tell him, as calmly as I can. Get rid of this thing. Find the bastard responsible and kill him
“He writes again. MURDERER. I wish I could see what he thinks about me. Maybe I could sneak back and…
“He tells me both choices are fatal. Cul de sac. End of the road. He says I don’t look like a killer. How do killers look like?
“What do I have to lose?
“Stop calling him my baby…!
“I get up again and pace the room. Jeez, am so worked up. I wish I could lay my hands on the bastard that did this to me.
“Killing an innocent child is murder. Killing his father is murder. Killing myself is a crime too
“Maybe its time I started looking for a lawyer…
“I replace the glass on his table and walk out…”