I can’t believe am doing this. I had promised myself I would bury this deep inside myself.

Yet am furiously typing on my keyboard as if I have a deadline for my story for the evening news

See, my dad sexually abused me. And not once. Or twice

Actually, I got pregnant with him. And when I looked at the pregnancy kit, my world stopped. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t go out for days. And every day, when I cooked for him, some crazy ideas crossed my head. See, I had this vial of drugs. Almost 100 capsules. A vial of complicated drugs – red, blue, white, hexagon-shaped, tiny, round shaped. The whole bunch

What if? 

One night when he began touching me, I realized I had had enough

And I seriously considered ending it all. Not only thought about it but went ahead and swallowed a whole bunch of my colorful pills. One after another

And that’s how I ended up in hospital. Unconscious

Weeks later, my head kept spinning for days. And every time my dad walked into the house, my blood started its usual marathon. And I kept looking at my colorful drugs. The few that had remained

I couldn’t tell anyone. I had absolutely no one to talk to. No one. 

That’s when I realized I was pregnant. My younger cousin arrived to drop some package from my uncle. She stayed at our place for a couple of days, a weekend. And I decided I would confide in her. 

And she dropped the bombshell. She had been defiled the other night..! 😡 

She cried in my arms. I held her for endless hours. And I was crashed. I was wordless. Heartbroken. Absolutely in million pieces

This had gone too far. Way too far. 

And without even thinking, we packed and left. Not even knowing where to go. We collected all the loose cash in the house. 

And kept running

“Am pregnant…” I blurted

My cousin stopped. I think my heard stopped too

And without even realizing it, I started pouring my heart out. I talked for hours. And hours. Tears cascaded down my cheeks but didn’t wash away the pain

Long story short: we headed to the nearest police post. And reported both our cases. They listened to us but after a while, they dismissed us. Not rudely. But not politely, either

“Endeni mumalizie kesi nyumbani,” that was the final word. Go solve your cases at home

Back to the monster? We headed into the darkness, hopelessly lost. Into a cul-de-sac

Its been four months now. I keep looking at my tummy. Growing bigger every passing day. And I keep wondering, what if my 16 year old cousin is pregnant? What would be my mum say? 

Am supposed to go for maternal check-up. But am not feeling like it. Not today, not ever

And I keep wondering what will happen to this baggage am carrying. Will I ever love it? Why is abortion still illegal, remind me?

My father. Let’s not even go there